“Who let the dogs out?”

I believe it was a signature catchphrase of Churchill during the War, and later made famous by the Bahamian group Baha Men in 2000.

Catchphrases are one thing, but letting the dog out from within is another. But we'll come back to our our early noughties banger in a little bit.

Due to the fact that many of our wider playing squad currently have diaries busier than Vogue chief Anna Wintour and simply can’t pass up skiing and the Six Nations in March, the leadership were pleasantly surprised when we were able to confirm both fixtures during the week.

Although, some of the squad were confirmed as late as Thursday night over a couple of Jubels. In fact, I’m sure JJ was roped in just a couple of hours before the game. In all, a very strong squad was assembled—dare I say, one of the strongest this season—with a full front row, complete with substitutes. But some of you may have read the team sheet on Friday and were shocked to see two names on it: T Bradley and A Geal. No, you don’t need to go to Specsavers; you were reading that correctly.

In the case of the former, this was the seventh time he’s claimed to be playing his last game for the club, and in the case of the latter, well, ‘coach’ was kind enough to put his name down when we only had 15 players on Thursday morning to ensure we had a team to send to Earlsfield.

The selections caused a ruckus in the tabloid press, and many former players made their feelings known.

“Big Cat’s not actually going to play, is he?!” former Vice Captain Ollie Hyne was quoted in The Sun.

“You’d be better off taking 14!” former teammate and club blazer holder Ben De Fig told The Mirror.

“We’ll never hear the end of this prick if he gets on!” said current Director of Rugby, Matt Craig to the Daily Mail.

What was more miraculous than seeing these two old dogs on the team sheet was that both were fresh and showing no signs of a hangover when they arrived at Ironsides HQ—something that couldn’t have been said often during their formative playing days.

It was brilliant to have the Major General Guy Hennings-Haar and his absolute unit of a brother, Ollie, down this week too. Although, the Army must be suffering from dyscalculia these days, as the Major General arrived mere moments before kick-off. Apparently, time efficiency is a thing of the past in our armed forces.

It was also great to have two debutants, Sam and Toby. Sam couldn’t resist a belligerent, and potentially drunk, Australian at after-work drinks and said yes to playing for us on Thursday evening. “Maaate, we’ll have a couple of beers and get a couple of meat piiiiieeesss.”

A very bubbly ref kicked us off at 12:30 on Dog Shit Park, which was also debuting some lovely craters that would give the moon a run for its money. Still, the sun was shining, and we got underway.

The OH started fast and quickly realized it could get over the gain line. Ollie Hennings-Haar and Tom Craven made their presence felt and got us close to the line. However, in what would become a common theme for both teams during the game, we couldn’t quite make the last pass stick, and, in some cases, just forgot how to catch.

Once again, the OH went forward and were awarded a penalty in front of the sticks. The skipper decided to go for the posts, which perplexed the Australian inside centre. “Cal, what the fark maaate, let’s ping it to the corner.”

Like Trump to the Ukrainian president in the White House, the skip shut the Australian the fark down and reminded him who was the boss. Will ‘The Boot’ Simpson stepped up to the plate and knocked over the three points. 3-0 OH.

The next 10 minutes were full of handling errors and scrums.

Some calamitous errors allowed Ironsides to get into our 22, and they found the try line through a lovely kick from their 12 to the winger. 5-3 Ironsides. However, a missed conversion kick meant it was just a two-point ball game.

The OH started to get back on top with some big carries from the back row and our centres. Unfortunately, sometimes we’d break so far through their defence and get isolated, only to watch Ironsides turn us over and kick back down the other end.

However, we finally had a breakthrough with a support player nearby. The Major General, who’d come on for his brother, made a lung-busting break from the 40m line and took it all the way to the try line, with JJ running next to him in support. All the Major General needed to do was pop the ball to his forward compatriot, and we would score. But that’s not how the Major General goes about his business—he fired a bazooka of a pass from a distance of one foot. Staring at the howitzer missile of a pass coming in his direction from point-blank range, JJ fumbled the catch and put it down, and the score remained 5-3.

The OH kept pushing, and some lovely darting runs from Sam and our wingers gave our forwards another crack from close range. This time, there would be no mistake, and Cravo crashed over. 8-5 to the OH.

In what was somewhat controversial, the home team’s touch judge awarded the conversion, but the ref decided it was his way or the highway and said it hadn’t gone through the sticks.

8-5 remained the score. The rest of the half can be described by more line breaks, more knock-ons, and even more scrums.

The second half saw the coach with one working leg come on at 10, and didn’t he go hunting! Within 120 seconds of taking the field, he’d laid their 10 out about 40 seconds after he passed the ball. Still, to the surprise of all, just a penalty and not the end of the world.

The OH found itself in a bit of bother during the next 10 minutes, and eventually, Battersea’s speedy winger found some space and walked one in after The Boot forgot he was playing rugby and ran straight past him. 12-8 to Ironsides after their kicker made good off the tee.

Needing to get a hold of the game, Gealer and Bradley combined at 10-12, and Sammy came in at scrum half. Route One was the new game plan, with every play off every scrum or lineout being Gealer to the Bradley at 12 to run it straight. However, in form not seen since 2018, Bradley started busting through their defensive line and carrying us over the gain line with ease. Bursting with confidence, he even threw out a double goose step to nowhere, which delighted even the hardest of Ironsides' fans.

The OH found itself putting real pressure on them, and we went into their 22 off a penalty that The Boot landed right on the 5m line. Unfortunately, the Major General forgot to lift in the lineout, and we couldn’t take advantage. But some darting runs from Sammy, Harry, and Toby had us back in the red zone shortly after.

This time, the Major General made good and crashed over. 13-12. Not owing to a lack of fitness and a 16-degree day, but that second half felt like it went on forever. But the OH managed the game brilliantly. Some sage words from Tom Craven with a minute to go ensured we wouldn’t make any mistakes.

“Farking big carry off the scrum, then we grey ball for the last farking minute,” Craven exclaimed. And sure enough, we did! Getting desperate, Ironsides were off their feet at the breakdown, and a penalty in midfield sealed the game. Fittingly, The Boot kicked it out for the last play of the game, and the OH won!

A huge result and a win the club needed.

A big Tom Huckin well done to our front rowers, who grinded all day and didn’t lose a scrum on our ball, Harry Bentley for a terrific defensive game at 13, Cravo and both Hennings-Haar brothers for strong carries in the pack, Jonny Parr for coming up from Devon and playing the second half on one leg, The Boot for some superb field kicking all day, our debutants Sam and Toby, and Geally and Alfie for doing a solid job at 10 throughout the game.

13-12 win for the boys against a good bunch of blokes from Ironsides was brilliant to be a part of.

In the end, for questioning the skipper in the first half, Big Cat lost his military aid and was given DOTD.

MOTM was awarded to The Boot Simpson for some unreal kicking all day out of hand.

With only a handful of games left, make sure you play at least once before Ladies' Day if you want to guarantee yourself selection!

Aussie Tim